Photos by Geoff L. Johnson
Growing up, I was told I could be anything I want. I got the impression that there was little difference between myself and the boys sitting next to me in class beyond basic equipment. I went on to treat men and women equally.
I believe this attitude is what got me date raped in my 20's and possibly molested as an infant.
1 in 3 women is molested in their lifetime.
I don't see this as a tragedy. I see this as biology. To ignore it is to walk blindly in life. Now that I know this stat, I simply don't believe men and un-vetted adults of any kind should be left alone with children.
If you look to the animal world, you see it everywhere. It's an effective reproductive model, with Gaia's stamp of approval on it as the favored choice.
I'll never forget the year I spent hours walking meditative circles around a pond, gazing absent-mindedly at the ducks. During mating season, I proceeded to witness atrocities. Non-stop accosting of females, gang rapes, and even drownings through non-stop passions.
I googled duck sex lives and jubilated to learn the female ducks had evolved labyrinthine equipment to thwart the inflatable noodles of the males. :D Look it up if you want to learn more about these other-worldly "extra-terrestrials" who spend so much time above terra, the earth.
I've also learned much from watching the latest documentary on chimps, as well as interning with a flock of chickens at Radical Roots Farm.
I think humans err steeply when they deny their basic nature, throw these aspects into their egoic shadow, and then proceed to live out their repressions in twisted and dark ways.
I describe my transition from childhood to adult mindset in regards to sex as having learned an equation, but I got the variable wrong. I thought I was a y, but I was an x. I thought as a musician who doesn't want kids, I could have a similar trajectory as a male.
Then I fell in love with a cross-dressing man. I always appreciated the show of femininity in a man, especially in American men who tend to be so macho (ew!). He went on a healing journey with therapy only to realize he was dis-integrated, having renounced his masculine side because he didn't have good male role models. He eventually realized he could be an example himself, of a sensitive, fashionable male of his species.
As a single dad, he had a demanding full-time job doing math in corporate and didn't have time or focus for cooking, etc. I was super-stressed by keeping a standard job and trying to manage my chronic health conditions, so I opted to stay home.
Not having to go out to hunt and bring home the bacon was very soothing to my system. And being able to focus on feeding our fambly healing, nutrient-dense food was like a rising tide that raised us all back to strength, energy, and calm.
I was naturally drawn to keeping our home a tidy, zen nest brought us all peace. I nursed baby plants into ever-widening pots. I dreamed of a decadent native edible garden, and adopted an ongoing collection of vintage varietals whose tendrils I tenderly cared for. I studied ways to help support our family unit, including Language of Listening. The apex of this trajectory was when an extremely soft and relatively sweet kitten wandered into our lives and laps and proceeded to trigger an oxytocin bond in me.
Looking back I think this was a natural phase of life. And it fit perfectly with my desires to write and record music, and livestream from home.
As in adolescence I wanted to be male, and in my 20's I felt somewhat neuter, in my 30's I stepped fully into womanhood, and channeled early motherhood despite (thankfully) being barren.
I looked around recently and saw all 3 of my best friends either having babies or nursing elderly parents. None of us were employed in a full-time or even part-time capacity. All of us were heavily involved in caretaking. By choice. By calling. Because society needed us to. I realized women can have it all, but not all at the same time.
Now I feel that early mothering chapter is melding into the next, where I'm less concerned with caretaking. My plants have either sunk or swum at this point and can do fine with just a little care. Thanks to working with a health coach, I've homed in on a cooking and dietary routine that works for us and no longer research and obsess. I'm able to pour more time and grit into my creative work, and it's giving me higher returns in turn.
I want to write more, but I’m running out of time. I hope to keep this thread going in next week’s blog. Stay tuned! Now I’m off to do AnnabeeTV, my weekly livestream on YouTube. Maybe see you there!
Don’t want to miss a blog post? Sign up for my newsletter and get digital gifts, including a lyrics e-book!
As always I want to be a conversation starter, and for you to feel seen, so please let me know your thoughts so I’m not trapped in my own echo chamber. We’re in this together.
xoAnnabeth
